IN a relationship, it is important to manipulate situations to gain an unfair advantage. You have to be skilful to ensure that your girlfriend remains oblivious to the truth. Do not feel guilty because she, too, has secrets that will never be exposed. Remember to cover your tracks carefully; women can uncannily sense dishonest undercurrents. A few effective ways to deceive your girlfriend are to:
- Give her a kiss on the cheek while she is asleep to influence her dreams.
- Practise how to leave the toilet seat down for five minutes every day until it becomes routine.
- For a month, secretly record videos of the both of you (in clothes) and when she turns on the TV to watch her favourite reality show — well, guess who is in this week’s episode? Hopefully, you won’t have to keep up with the Kardashians anymore. Hallelujah!
- Use flashcards to understand why burgundy is not red. This may take up to 52 weeks depending on your IQ level.
A superb boyfriend should cheat his girlfriend out of a dull relationship. The task is unnerving but not insurmountable. Make a concerted effort to avoid complacency; develop imaginative ways to engage her romantically, and continue to reinvent yourself to ignite her passion.
Most men are experts at protecting their ladies from roaches, lizards and bats. Others are generous with financial contributions that provide material comfort. It is easy to purchase a gift on special occasions, enjoy the one-off date night, give her a back rub with the hope of a more intimate evening, etc.
Believe it or not, these gestures wouldn’t exactly nudge DC Comics to create a character in honour of your exploits. Contentment is an egocentric characteristic that will undermine the essence of a relationship. Never be satisfied with the bare minimum. Although superman is renowned for his ability to earn frequent-flyer miles, he is adored because he was able to captivate his lady with the element of surprise.
Embrace the opportunity to think of creative ideas to let your lady feel special. Nostalgia is often the starting point of a magical experience. Let your thoughts meander throughout the days: maybe you are somewhere in the Blue Mountains quivering as her warmth attenuates the mist. A wisp of hair rests on her lips. Together, you pause, and inhale for one last time…
As a man, you need to astound your girlfriend with originality, enthral her with romance, unearth her laughter, hold her passionately. Your lady has a wealth of emotions that will remain untapped if you continue to be monotonous.
She deserves to experience the fairy tale. Dedicate time to let your relationship become surreal. When she least expects it, devise a way to surprise her.
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The text is as appeared in the Jamaica Observer on November 4, 2013
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