An Open Letter To My Homie, Santa Claus: Can You Introduce Me To A Good Girl?

Santa, my homie … what’s up bro?

It’s been a while since I wrote you… 22 years to be exact.

Not that I was upset about the remote control car you gave me back in 95, but all my friends got a super Nintendo. And yes, I did call you fat, but can we let bygones be bygones.

So, for this Christmas, I was hoping you could help me to find a girl… you know, a girl with certain qualities.  Look, Santa – I know a good girl is hard to find. I get that. And, sure, I know that I’m far from perfect. But help out a brother, and I promise not to mess things up.

Back in the day, I only liked pretty girls.  As I’ve matured, I’m still attracted to pretty girls, but it’s becoming less of a priority for me. At my age, I’m more interested in substance. When I nervously look into her eyes, gently rest my hand on her cheek and kiss her for the first time… I want to feel a connection.

Santa, if it’s not too much to ask, I want a girl who is kind-of-funny. I want to laugh when she says something funny. And when her jokes are not so funny, I want to laugh at her corniness. Yeah, and when I give my silly jokes, I hope she embraces them. If she likes my sense of humor, I can always find a way to cheer her up. Maybe if she’s having an awful day at work because her boss is being an asshole… I could take a picture of a box of eggs and send it to her saying “Let’s egg his house later”… And, Santa, if she’s down for that … I’m down for that sh*t. You feel me bro? (JUST KIDDING)

But more importantly, I want to be able to talk to her about everything: current affairs, economics, politics … and this may be asking too much … but can she be knowledgeable on sports? It would be great if we could agree on some topics, argue ferociously on other points and engage our minds intellectually. That’s just a big turn-on for me.

Santa, honestly, I don’t like talking about sensitive things. But even though I think I’m a tuff guy, if she’s the one, I should feel comfortable enough to let down my guard and speak about the most sensitive issues. Santa, I want to be become vulnerable with her. And I want her to reciprocate.

Mr. Claus, I want her to be ambitious – career driven. I’m just attracted to that type of personality. And if she earns more than me, I’m not going to feel slighted by that. In fact, I would use her success to motivate me to achieve my goals. Together, we should help each other to fulfil our potential.

I could go and on, but you get the point.

So, Santa, it would be nice if you could arrange for us to cross paths sometime soon. Maybe I’ll see her at the supermarket, maybe I’ll see her at a party, maybe I’ll see her at church. Who knows?

You don’t need to give me any details bro, just let me run into her, and I’ll know what to do.

Thanks!

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